From: neil@gargoyle.apana.or::g.au (Neil Muspratt) Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology Subject: The Scien-ku-tron Super Mk VII(tm) - I love it Date: Sat, 20 Dec 1997 21:12:01 GMT Organization: Free Xenu Campaign Headquarters Lines: 303 Message-ID: <349ccc92.4082080@troll.apana.org.au> Reply-To: neil@gargoyle.apana.or::g.au NNTP-Posting-Host: dialup-1.brisbane.apana.org.au Mime-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit X-Newsreader: Forte Agent 1.5/16.451 Howdy fellow SPs! Well, I finally went and did it. After recently obtaining my unofficial ARSCC cryptographic software and tuning to the top secret Entheta Band Channel at the extreme end of the spectrum, I succeeded in downloading the plans for the new improved Scien-ku-tron Super Mk VII(tm). It's a great idea this new DIY system - I was really chafing at the thought of actually having to *buy* two of these things. Ouch! My credit card is hot enough already, what with R6 Day nearly here and all. I hope the ARSCC Finance Police won't sue over the loss of funds, but hey, we all have to do what we can on the budget we're allocated, okay? Anyway, with a bit of tinkering here and there, a new AI interface courtesy of some of the boffins at work, several month's worth of archived a.r.s contributions, the collected input of three critical books on the cult (plus a few choice works of nonsense by L. Rong thrown in for good measure) and ten minutes left by itself to read through Encyclopaedia Britannica CD 97, it came up with the output below on its first run. Total time, only 0.0281 seconds! I'll probably be throttling it back to single-haiku mode after this little episode. Hell, leave it alone for a few minutes and I reckon it will eat up all your free hard disk space. Don't try this at home on a 286 boys and girls! It's a good thing too that I ignored the owner's manual and didn't install the 100% standard quad Pentium II CPU array, settling instead for a mere Pentium 166 with MMX. Even so, I'm not looking forward to the next electricity bill. Oh, one pointer for all you like-minded ARSCC handypeople out there - adequate ventilation in the room is an absolute *must* once this sucker's up and running. Now, I've just got to work out how to stop the darned thing from making dozens of unauthorised calls to all the ISPs in town when my back's turned. Have I created a monster? Its appetite for web pages seems insatiable, particularly those with URLs containing "dianetics", "scientology", "lronhubbard", "cchr", etc. And another weird thing - every time I catch it in the act, I keep hearing these strange noises coming from inside the box, almost like synthesised laughter... Nah, it must be my hourly Prozac ration screwing with my hearing. Enjoy. My jaw? From a clam? Bwahahahahahaha!! Yeah, right. Good one, Ron! Channel 4, UK: Chowder Pot with Clam Cluster. You did us all proud. A cult in trouble; Just like the boy who cried "Wolf!" No-one believes them. My soul sent express DC-8 to Teegeeack? Pull the other one! A machine that can Increase your intelligence? I'd like to see that! A cult leader schemes; His goal - to clear the planet. In your dreams, Hubbard! The Net stands as one; Scowls, "Go ahead. Make my day." The culties back off. Your tone below 2.0? Ron says one remedy is Quiet disposal! Kobrin's greatest fear; Even worse than Grady Ward: Xenuphobia! Koos audits Hubbard? Hasn't someone told Koos that Hubbard is deceased? The press are aroused. The cult is weakened, dying. They start to circle... "Dianetics" book: Thick, hefty, nice volcano; Makes a good doorstop. Blood out of a stone: Ask them a direct question, Get a veiled response. The fight continues. Clearwater still occupied. D-Day is coming... They ask me, "What crimes?!" But I have committed none! They ask me, "What crimes?!" LRH - liar. Nuclear physicist? Ha! Where's your *real* degree? A CoS book That tells the truth about Ron? I'd like to see that! A cult machine stops... "Hasta la vista, baby." A shattering sound. A paranoid man, A fugitive from justice; Ron's own tech failed him. Even the Sea Org, Spiffy clothes, Hubbard's elite, Can't make it go right. Iceberg metaphor: Behind each active critic Lurks a dozen more. Confucius might say: When you have friends like Hubbard, Who needs enemies? Net soap opera: Better than any TV! Tune to a.r.s! OSA DA spooks, Should ask themselves one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Pyrrhic victory: "Bare-Faced Messiah" suppressed? Back with a vengeance! The Xenu Effect: Fictional space aliens Destroy your own cult. A leaflet proferred... "FREE PERSONALITY TEST" Caveat emptor! That compound, water, Will dissolve radiation. Or so Hubbard says... A cult that can win Against the whole Internet? I'd like to see that! Hey, your thoughts have mass! Another gem from Hubbard, Third-rate sci-fi hack. The GO disbanded; All suppressives are denounced. But OSA still sucks. '86 - Ron dead. In another billion years, He will still be dead. Cures for illnesses... How's it going there DM? Still an asthmatic? Advice Hubbard shunned: Quacks dressed in robes of science Look very silly. Lisa McPherson: Woman didn't stand a chance Against cult's madness. Anderson Report; Victoria, '65. They still pull it in. Pre-natal engrams?! How *can* parents keep quiet When they orgasm? Browsing the store's shelves... "The Internet for Dummies" A book for Judge Whyte? Xenu condemns Ron: "Take him to his volcano." "Nuke him till he glows!" Need a good chuckle? Try Operation Clambake: Secret scriptures free! Hubbard the "hero", Never saw action at all. If only he had... DM and the cult; Are living on borrowed time. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick... BTs, spirit fleas, On my nose can make me sneeze; Thank Ron for OTs! Standard response to "Have you read Dianetics?": "Couldn't stay awake!" "History of Man" Clams? Weepers? Sloths? Piltdown teeth? What a load of crap! God reviews L. Ron: "Worst science-fiction writer I have ever known." Trek fans may seem weird; But at least Trekkers know that Trek is just sci-fi. Clams body routing, Must be wondering by now, Why folks laugh at them. Great dirty secret, Concealed by the RTC: DM's an SP! Hemet RPF? Where's the US Government? A back yard gulag! Scieno takeover; Germany sees it coming. Other countries can't? Hubbard a con man? Surely not! They dismiss it. For how much longer? DM is at cause? Then why did he get deposed By Henson and Ward? Religion? Science? Which of the above applies? Answer: neither one. Scientologists: Would you let a maniac Tinker with *your* brain? CoS Ethics; A contradiction in terms? Most definitely! A smoker who can Make the ashtray come to him? I'd like to see that! Way to Happiness? Sure, take the next detour to... Scientology. "L. Ron Hubbard Way" A new name for an old street. Real estate price drop. Ron the "scientist"; Not published, nor peer-reviewed; Still claimed to be one. Ron: "There was no Christ." Christ: "I don't know Ron Hubbard." Satan: "Ron! Welcome!" +--------------------------------------------------------------------+ | Neil Muspratt SP3.07 neil@gargoyle.apana.org.au | | Brisbane Australia | +--------------------------------------------------------------------+ Once Hubbard started Dianetics, he was out of the realm of "friendship". After that he was a paranoid cult leader surrounded by kowtowing cult followers. How could he have friends, when all the people around him are constantly asking themselves "What crimes have I committed against L. Ron Hubbard"? - Chris Schafmeister in alt.religion.scientology