Date: 12 Mar 1996 13:11:25 GMT From: Stephen Jones Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology Subject: Scientology + Mixology = Swingatology: The Science of Fun! "Education, medicine, politics and art and, indeed, all branches of human thought, are clarified with Dianetics." - pg.554, Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard Hey ho, swingers! Reactive Mind got ya down? Feeling blue cause you don't know your engrams from your Seagram's? Are you stuck at basic-basic and don't know which way to turn? Well, you're not alone. Surprisingly enough, nearly the entire population of the world knows nothing of the miracle SCIENCE of Dianetics or the amazing SCIENCE-LIKE Scientology. Hard to believe but true, the miracle science of the modern-age is doing a fantastic Mambo and the world fails to notice. Dianetics and Scientology are not the forbidden dance nor are they voodoo, they are the dance that ANYONE can do! Simply follow the black, cut-out footprints, perform the non-voodooesque hypno-exercises and you're on your way to becoming a super-powered, super-enhanced spirit-being-entity-person. What could be easier? If it's so easy and foolproof ie. INFALLIBLE, then why aren't all the kids doing it? Simple: The kids aren't doing it because it don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing. True! Scientology has swagger, it has spunk and it has super-powers that are almost impossible to believe but Scientology does not have swing....until now! Move over, Scientology, and make room for your hipper younger cousin, Swingatology: The Science of Fun! Swingatology is based on SCIENTIFIC PRICIPALS in much the same way that Scientology is SPIRITUALITY GROUNDED IN SCIENCE .ie don't ask questions...just enjoy yourself and don't welch on your tab. Can anyone be a Swingatologist? You bet! Will Swingatology help me with all my troubles in life? You bet! Is it just more voodoo that will cost me a lot of money and perhaps my soul? Ha-ha, who let in the troublemaker? C'mon, let's get busy and explore the fascinating world of Swingatology! While a Scientologist needs an expensive e-meter, years of auditing and plenty of cash, the Swingatologist needs only an open-minded bartender or a degree in mixology, a designated driver and a valid I.D. Simple! Ok, what's next? Well, before we go any further, you must promise not to distribute these Swingatology levels without permission from STC, owners of the Swingatology tech. Just don't do it, ok? If we even suspect you are distributing the tech it would mean trouble. I'm not saying what kind of trouble and I'm not saying it would be lawyer trouble or phone-calls late at night trouble or some creepy guy digging through your trash trouble or lying to your Mom trouble...i'm just saying that it would be trouble. You fill in the blanks. Don't make fun of Swingatology, either. That would also mean trouble. Ok, let's get busy! Remember, Swingatology always works. If this tech does not seem to be working then perhaps you just aren't doing it right. Don't be a know-it-all and mess around with this proven and effective philosophy of a science-like system... that would also mean trouble. Ok, now let's get busy! Step 1: Engram Eraser Before you can even begin to achieve the amazing results of Swingatology, you need to do some prep work. This prep work has some amazing results...you'll see.... so let's get busy! Don't expect the Engram Eraser to work the first time. You'll need to study this tech about 20 times in a row for it to be truly effective. 1/2 Guinness Stout 1/2 Champagne Prechill stout and Champagne and pour carefully into a chilled highball or Collins glass (don't mess with the tech...if you don't have a highball or Collins glass, don't do it!). Stir gently so as not to lose the fizz. Repeat until you achieve the state known as Clear. Do you feel different? Can you make the universe spin at your command? Do you feel your engrams and your inhibitions floating away? Welcome to Swingatology, the scientifically proven method of spiritual renewal. Ok, with your engrams erased it is now time to move up the Ladder (this is a trademark, mess with it and there will be trouble). Step 2: Thetan B Gone 1/2 oz. Vodka 1/2 oz. Gin, Rum, Tequilla Fill 2/3 with Tea, Dash of Cola and a Lemon Wedge Ok, this level of the tech you have to do in steps. Step one is seen above. Perform this level, send me $2000.00 and move on to step two. Step two is just like step one except you can replace the Lemon Wedge with a cherry. Did send me your money? You can't progress until I get the cash. Ok, on with step three. Step Three is just like Steps one and two except from here on out you will increase the amount of vodka, gin, rum and tequilla by a factor of 2. Oh yeah, the money you send also needs to be increased by a factor of 2. Right now i've only completed 8 steps, i imagine i'll get to ten steps eventually, maybe more...who knows. Remember, the steps need to be done in one sitting to be truly effective. You now control MEST! Women find you irresistable, you can actually dance, you understand the problems of the world AND have a solution for them, you can leave your body at will and everyone loves you! Swingatology Works! Helping mankind since nineteen hundred and sixteen, Stephen Jones ps. consuming large amounts of alcohol in one sitting is not good for you and may kill you. I don't know if this is true for auditing. pss. More ars themed fun drinks for you to try....in moderation...and if you are of age....or there will be trouble. The Lying Scotchman 1 oz. sweet vermouth 1 oz. Scotch 1 dash bitters 1/4 tsp. sugar syrup Stir with ice and strain into cocktail glass The Flaming Ivan 1 oz. Vodka (in a shotglass) 1 frosty beer ignite the Vodka and drop the shotglass into the frosty beer The Zesty Vera 1 1/2 oz. light rum 1 dash Tabasco sauce 1 tsp. lemon juice Salt and Pepper Beef bouillon Shake with ice and strain into old-fashioned glass over ice-cubes