From: notjet@pacific.island.con (Not Jet) Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology Followup-To: alt.religion.scientology Subject: NOT REALLY A BIG WIN! Date: Sun, 14 Jan 1996 01:18:20 -0800 Organization: Radioactive Potato Farm Message-ID: Hi everybody! Happy new year! Big news! I... oh, I almost forgot... (Not) Jet here! I am not Jet. NOT! I am (not) Jet! Okay? Good. So, the big news of the new year (and I'll get to how come I'm so late in a little bit), is that I finally kicked out my roommate Bruce a few days after Christmas. I really thought that he was going to work out okay, but it was just so clear (that's a little Scientology play on words, by the way -- for a hundred dollars, I'll explain it! :) ) that things weren't working out, so I jumped right in and ended it! It happened so fast that my head is still spinning. It's really too bad, because I guess the renter market out here in Hawaii is really slow because it takes me just *forever* to find roommates. I would think that Hawaii would be a really desireable place to like, come and stay, but I guess that's just not how it is. At least, not around here. So anyway, I thought I'd bring everybody up to date on what happened. You may or may not remember, but Bruce was always taking my special Scientology stuff when I wasn't around, even when I kept telling him not to. "Bruce," I would say, "don't." And then I would find things in different places, later. Once, I'm pretty sure he moved some stuff around in the refrigerator. Boy, my head hurts right now. Being a Scientologist is a big responsibility, and it can really give you a headache. I hear that from a lot of people who aren't even in an org or anything. So, a couple of days after Christmas Day, I had been out looking for more of those Salvation Army bell ringers (I like to put intentions into them for fun and make them not stop ringing, even after an hour or so), but for some reason they were all gone. It's hard to figure out what their schedule is. So, I came back home early, and there was Bruce and some woman. She was sitting on the couch and not wearing any pants, and he was standing in the middle of the living room WEARING MY ALUMINUM FOIL HAT!!!!! That was just about the limit, but not only that, he was kind of bent over, flapping his arms like a bird with this googly-eyed look on his face, screaming "EEEEEerrrr EEEEEerrrrr EEEEEerrrrr -- guess who I am!" Well, it didn't take my Dianetically enhanced brain long to figure out what he was doing. I tapped him on the shoulder, fixed him with my most powerful look and flung my arms back out of the way in case I had one of my power surges. The woman on the couch gasped in amazement as she looked at the two of us; I think she was pretty impressed with my Power Posture. I told him, "Look, pal, that hat is dangerous stuff for you! It could make you insane, or give you pneumonia if you don't know how to handle it. I told you before not to touch my secret Scientology stuff, but beyond that, it's sacrilege to imitate L. Ron Hubbard in a foil hat!" Anyway, I really told him off, and suggested that maybe he'd better clear out. He agreed, and actually took off that night. After he left, I went wandering around the apartment making sure that all of my stuff was still there, and I found a plate of brownies on the kitchen table. I guess Bruce must have made them before he left and just forgotten them or something. I ate one, and even though they had a little hint of some funny spice in them (I never did figure out what it was), they were really good. I sat down, thinking maybe I should do some auditing and clear my busy mind, but I thought, "No, I'll have another brownie first." It's not that I have a weakness for them; I just like them, okay? So, before I knew what had happened, I'd eaten the whole plate of brownies. Wow, I was stuffed. Wow! And that's exactly what I was thinking: "wow". And I knew I shouldn't keep thinking that since "wow" is a power word for us Scientologists, but I couldn't help it. I started imagining how I looked as I said, "Wow" really slowly, with a big wide mouth. I guess I must have done it too many times, because all of a sudden my head hit the ceiling. And the weird thing was, as I looked around at the apartment, trying to push myself down off the ceiling, I saw that ALL OF THE FURNITURE HAD FLOATED UP TO THE CEILING, TOO!!!!! I started to panic, because I knew I had done too much of the Wow Rundown, and I was shooting off power in all directions. I'm not completely sure what happened for a while after that, but I think I had to go rescue a polar bear from the supermarket, and I ended up mowing a bunch of people's gardens because they didn't have lawns. I also remember throwing a can of evaporated milk through a window because the cow on the label was making too much noise and my head was hurting because of all the power. Well, to wrap it all up, I burned out pretty good for a few days. I went into my org and told them all about it as soon as I got back in control, and they were as totally amazed as I was at the sheer power of Dianetics. Every now and then I still have a little tremor of power and I'll open a doorway into another dimension for a few minutes, and I'll see something there like a little man dressed up like Peter Pan except that he's wearing a big black codpiece and in a faraway, mushy voice he says something like, "If it withers, just chop it off." But that's not happening as often anymore, and I'm sure as soon as everything is back to normal I'll have another big win. Until then, remember the Scientology motto: It works for me; That's what counts. Give us money In large amounts. (not) Jet -- This humorous little interlude brought to you by... Troutman, Defender of Sticks troutman@teleport.com ...who's just passing through, tonight... The above message is satire, and hopefully funny unless you have no sense of humor or are a Scientologist. Gee, I guess that *is* redundant... The message in no way reflects the opinions, speech, actions or opinions of any real person, no matter how big the similarity might seem. If you think it does, then you are wrong. Oh, and this is *my* version of Scientology's creed: Avarice is Altruism Ignorance is Knowledge Deceit is Honesty Slavery is Freedom I miss y'all, Sticks